Destroyed Dreams

It’s been over a year now since I’ve written anything on here. Unfortunately, this is not at all unexpected. I have a rather bad habit of starting a project with these grand ambitions, engines blazing, and then…I sputter out. Every single time. This blog was just one of many fatalities. I could go on and on about the others, too; I have been trying to start a candle business for the last half a year, and that flopped royally. I bought a (relatively cheap) drumset, played it for two weeks, and never touched it again. I take up drawing or writing a novel or hell knows what and, without fail, I end up torching it and sprinting the other way, trying my best to ignore all my dreams burning behind me.

Why?

I’ve been pondering this question for a while now…or rather, hitting it over and over again while shrieking madly until I finally got an answer. The vast majority of the projects listed above simply did not matter to me, and the few that did ended up dying in my fear.

More specifically: I came to realize I actually have little interest in starting a candle business. I don’t even USE candles all that much, for crying out loud! Sure, I have some on my altar, but other than that, they don’t see much use in my house. If I don’t have a passion for candles, why would I think devoting myself to a candle business would turn out well? It was a stupid idea, and while I won’t go into the nitty-gritty on why I even entertained it to begin with, suffice to say I’m happy to let it rest.

The same can be said for a Paganism-oriented blog, which is what this blog was supposed to be originally. Yes, I’m an Eclectic Neopagan. Yes, I love my path. No, I do not want to write on it every single day for the rest of my mortal lifespan, thank you very much. I just don’t care enough to actually see it through. While that might be sad, that doesn’t mean I have to scrap blogging entirely. From now on, I’ll be taking a very loose, whatever-floats-my-whimsical-boat approach to this site.

And I’m going to do my best to see this one through, because it does matter to me. Writing has always been my life goal, the juice that keeps me plodding forward. The last several years have been a marvelous display of burying myself–and my writing–as best as I can. The criticism I received bit me so deeply that I cowered and stepped away, off of the writing path that was my dream. It wasn’t until I was covered under a mountain of dirt, far off my path, that I realized something has to give here. I want to write, to be a writer. And to be a writer, I need to share what I write in some form. I can’t hide forever, as comfortable as that is.

Maybe someday I’ll actually finish and self-publish that irritating novel that’s been nipping at my mind for the last decade. For now, I’m doing what I can and posting here, as my way of practicing this craft and forcing myself to get used to a public setting. Let’s be honest here: No one is probably going to read this, but someone could, and that’s all that really matters here at the end of the day. I know it’s entirely possible some bleary-eyed anon on the internet stumbles on my blog, thinks it’s the most ridiculous thing ever made, and laughs in my (virtual) face.

Good. That’s better than hiding away in my little private corner, in complete silence and solitude. Something has to change here if I want to finally realize one of my dreams–and if that means dealing with my screeching lizard brain 24/7, so be it.

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